October Recap

Since coming back to school, my endeavors have culminated to the following things:

Blythe is the best roommate ever. 

and Alyse is the best partner in crime I could ask for!

I've seen my beautiful best friend three times! Twice in Provo!

We got new uniforms, and now we're studs. 

I went to conference! I'm now 3 for 3, as far as going to every conference that I've lived here for. I'm so lucky.

BRANDON WROTE ME. I love that kid.

I joined TBS, and bailey is my adorable big. I love him.

I became famous twice in a week. Once on the wind ensemble flyers, and again on the football website!

I'm still finishing off the best care package I've gotten yet! You can't even see the peeps pumpkins and ghosts!

I hope this post finds you all well, and I promise to be better at keeping up with this. :)

Happy Halloween! I'm off to pep band rehearsal!

NEW PURSE!

:) my pride and joy!

smile.

:)

goodnight, loves.

complications

Before today, I've been wanting to jot down some feelings I've had - these feelings were along the lines of "ditched," "played," and "belittled." However, now some things have changed. 

Let's call him "Matt." Matt and I have a history, spanning almost a tenth of my life. The situation itself is complicated beyond comprehension, but one thing has always been certain: we have a legitimate infatuation with one another. While I have learned to cope with our complications (from Utah), this summer poses other issues. At the moment, Matt and I aren't exactly conventional in our approach to our relationship, and my issue is this: Where is it going?

In reality, it has very few options of places to go. But my feelings on the matter are pretty black and white. I either want to pursue our relationship on a more serious level, or end it. And by "serious," I mean that I want to be courted, and get to know each other on a personal level. My logistical issues can't permit me to consider Matt as a serious, marriage prospect. I just mean it in the emotional-connection sense.

There is only thing of which I am unsure: I think I like him? At first, I suspect that a lot of the appeal was in the excitement of it all. But on second thought, my feelings for Matt have been taking root since long before we ever admitted anything. Those feelings couldn't just disappear after anything legitimately happened. My conclusion is that my move to Utah and everything forced me to distance myself from Matt, and now I can't exactly justify a relationship with him, because I know it's highly unpractical. The solution that I came up with is to essentially work backwards, attempting to rebuild our relationship from the ground up. This seems like the right thing to do, as it would lead to a better friendship and understanding of one another - and since that's all that will probably happen between us, long term, this summer seems like the perfect opportunity to secure myself a life-long friend.

Of course, the ironic thing is that after building our relationship from the ground up, my feelings will probably be reconfirmed, just as I'm due back in Utah. 

I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

What I am currently obsessed with

making chicken quesadillas.

my liberty of london wallet from target.

organizing my closet.

this blouse from downeast. (it's cuter in person)

lily allen.

james avery texas charm and necklace.

modern family.

the black pencil skirt.

neutrogena night cleansing pads.

kiefer sutherland.

tulips.

chuck bartowski and company.

fossil crossbody purses.

moleskines.

productivity

I AM GOING TO FINISH UNPACKING TODAY.

there.

now I have to do it. :)

End of the Year Summary

Hello world.

I took my last final today, and just calculated the GPA that am expecting to have in a couple weeks, and everything appears to have gone well. aka: I won't owe the University of Utah $30,000 next time we meet. So that's lovely. My parents are flying up tomorrow to help me pack and move all my stuff into a storage unit. I decided that I would take this opportunity to reflect on this past year, and list all things that I've learned... Here goes:

1. How to use chopsticks competently.
2. Cleaning is a legitimate form of procrastination.
3. Dustbusters make excellent Christmas presents.
4. The church is still true.
5. BUT THE BOOK IS NOT ALWAYS BLUE. I found a red Book of Mormon last semester. win.
6. People that live in Utah don't judge distance/mileage/traffic the same as Texas people.
7. No matter where I go, there will always be a significant number of people from Texas. It only makes sense, really.
8. Textbook buyback truly is as big of a rip off as everyone makes it out to be.
9. All children should take piano lessons as a precaution. They may end up as music majors, and it would save a lot of heartache.
10. I am thick blooded, and handle cold very well.
11. Weight watchers is a Godsend.
12. Carrying cases of water bottles up flights of stairs constitutes as a supplemental workout to walking uphill to the union for lunch.
13. Missions are amazing, and it's super exciting to send boys away on them.
14. People gossip too much. Myself included. This should end.
15. Three's Company comes on every night at 1 am.
16. It's easy to take my close proximity to Temple Square for granted.
17. Mountains are beautiful.
18. The humidity in Houston is actually as obnoxious as I thought it was. It's nice to be able to still eat Triscuits that have been open since September.
19. A change of seasons is good for the soul.
20. Student wards can be scary and comes with its fair share of ready-for-marriage men. But I'd still take it over BYU.
21. The chicken salad croissant sandwiches sold in the library cafe qualify for a transfer meal at the union.
22. I pretty much had more freedom in high school than I feel like I do in college. Even though that's probably not true.
23. I am a master with a microwave. An artist, even.
24. Laundry isn't really that difficult.
25. Getting something in the mail is like Christmas. but better.
26. In the real world, people actually do die young. It's more common than I thought.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but the lack of money can cause depression.
28. I decided that I want to date/marry someone with different primary interests than me. I can't handle being with someone that is majoring in music/with a career in music. I need something refreshing at the end of the day, and talking about rehearsal techniques and Mahler's symphonic structure is not how I wish to enjoy my dinner.
29. My life goal may or may not be to be a flight attendant. If anyone finds a university with a program for that, let me know.
30. My parents love me. Not that I didn't know that before. But now I really do. and going really far away from your family can actually make it stronger.
31. It's easier to get an A in college than it was in high school.
32. Elton John is a genius.
33. as well as Billy Joel.
34. I'll always have a soft spot for teddy bears, spiderman bandaids, baked potatoes, and coupons. Growing up won't change that - if that even exists.
35. Crossword puzzles are invigorating.
36. Airport water prices vary, based on the vendor. It's best to shop around. Saving 25 cents a bottle adds up, and by my junior year at the U, I'll have saved up enough for a whole nother bottle of water. win.
37. Any occasion is a good occasion for an ice cream cake.
38. Don't make a comment when your male professor wears pink on a regular basis.
39. Iceland is a nifty little country.
40. TGI Friday's has a healing power that they don't advertise.
41. 3M hooks should be in the Smithsonian.
42. Ghosts are entertaining. They enjoy tortillas, magic shell, and coca-cola. Favorite past times? Slamming doors, opening blinds, and adjusting the thermostat. I just wish they'd leave me a post it or something so that I can brace myself for their visits.
43. The last day that a scholarship provides you with a sense of comfort is the day before your college career begins. After that, it's nothing but a rain cloud hanging over your head, waiting for you to fail so that it can rain on your parade of a life.

It's been a really awesome year, with its fair share of ups and downs. But my feelings of sadness about packing and going home must speak volumes about the great time that I've had. People ask me if I like it here, and I just shrug and say that's it's good. However, I'm starting to think that maybe I haven't been giving this past year enough credit. My reluctancy to go leave this place, and this home that I've made, must reflect some kind of great experience that I've had here. At the end of the day, I'm glad that I moved here on my own, and ventured out in faith and obedience to the Lord. My family has grown stronger, and my appreciation for them has increased tenfold. Salt Lake City is a gem, and I'm so fortunate to have the friends that I have made here. I'm sad to leave this place, but 'tis the curse of living a double life.

Happy summer to the world, and may you take a risk that can only be attempted in the refreshing freedom that America refers to as "summer."

Love,
Amberley

epiphany

you know what i realized today?

I met a very dapper, intellectual, articulated, opinionated, humble, polite boy today. or I should say, young man. and as I was sitting there, just introducing myself, I realized just how refreshing it is to talk to a guy that's not in music.

like. oh my goodness. It was so incredibly nice to talk to him! He was in band in high school. and truthfully, that's all I need. He had a strong enough understanding of where I come from, as far as band goes, that he could understand my passion, and share in that. But, I can't handle a music major! Most of my friends HAVE to date a music major. or band director, or something. like Chandra. They have to be super musical for her to be attracted to them. And I understand that, but it's not for me. I need someone with different interests than me, although, mine are so broad that they will often overlap. but their whole life can't be music, you know? That's just my preference and stuff.

I feel like it's so much more interesting to exchange expertise and knowledge with someone, and teach them something - rather than argue the deep meaning of some obscure fact within our otherwise common field. People love to talk about themselves anyway... it might as well be something that you don't fully understand - or even remotely understand! Maybe that's why, today, I felt less intimidated. Like i could hold my ground. If not in the middle of a discussion about politics and media bias, later, when we talked about music composition. I usually feel super out of place, or flat out intimidated by someone so intelligent and articulate. I often end up conforming my opinions to theirs, so that they like me. But not today. Not anymore. I figured out the secret. :)

sigh. I feel myself growing up.

win.

valentine's day

Yesterday was pretty epically awful.

1. I stayed up wednesday night until 4:30 writing my IT essay.

2. My alarm clock didn't go off for whatever stupid reason. I double checked it, and it was set. fail.

3. so I woke up at at 8:25 for my 8:35 keyboarding test.

4. on top of that, I looked outside my window and everything was covered in snow. for the first time in two weeks.

5. I hurried and got all my stuff together, didn't take my first shower in 4 days (as I had planned), and ventured out to hopefully grab a shuttle.

6. I ended up falling in the snow. Like a beached whale. I wish I had a picture of it, actually, just to see how pathetic and helpless I looked. cars were driving by, and I'm sure thinking "aw. that poor girl just wiped out." All I remember is my lungs collapsing. and starting at snow-covered concrete.

7. My pants were soaking wet.

When did my day finally get better, you ask? I discovered a property of snow. When you make a ball, and roll it, there's a "snowball effect!" Call me retarded, but I totally thought that only happened in cartoons -- when the characters get in a fight, and start rolling down the hill, the snow collects and pretty soon, they're engulfed

in a massive snowball. Well, I did that. My result was Earl:

He was amazing. Until he died. Apparently, someone murdered him. Thanks, college kids. Maybe we should all un-grow up, and appreciate the friendly face of a snowman at the shuttle stop. kthanks.

Anyway. Valentine's day. How retarded, right? Even for the one valentine's day where I had a legitimate valentine was retarded. I promise I'll only rant once. Last night I watched 500 Days of Summer -- it pretty much told the story of my life. or at least my life from the last couple months. You need to see it if you've ever been in a casual relationship, and you're the one without apprehensions of commitment. It was the perfect valentine's day movie. It didn't have a super happy, romantic comedy ending. But it was the best. I'm just really fed up with valentine's day, I think. I miss when the most stressful part of valentine's day was deciding which valentines you would buy for your class. (I got toy story ones this year.) I remember that I couldn't wait to grow up and have a boyfriend with a drivers license that would give me a flower. and tell me he liked my hair. What a waste of time. I would give anything to go back to third, fourth, and fifth grade, where my hugest love concern was wishing Jordan Crabb would appreciate my valentine. When we're young, it's a luxury to have a valentine. If you have one, it's cute. When we're grown ups, it's a pain to have a valentine. Guys actually have to worry that their girl won't like it. (Don't even get me started. How dare a girl not appreciate a gift. And be concerned if it's not the right perfume. Or the wrong color. Maybe if girls made it clear that hugs are awesome presents, we could get more of them.) Also, valentine's day seems to shift - the focus is on the people that don't have significant other, rather than those who do. We always feel like crap when we don't have one. I just wish that valentine's day didn't exist. Save displays of affection for anniversaries. Then no one has to share the shame. If you're in a relationship, you have an anniversary -- good for you. But you're all alone, you don't have to worry about it. Perfect solution, don't you think?

Oh well. Happy weekend. the olympics start tonight. I'm so freaking excited. I live for this stuff. I probably inherited that from my mother. I actually inherited a lot from my mother. (Like the nightmare I had last night about the world ending. But my main concern wasn't about the grand canyon opening up and sucking utah into it. I was worried about Snuffy and Lester, because my roommate had snatched me away to evacuate before I could grab them. That's totally something my mother would worry about.) Anyway, happy friday! and happy birthday, Abraham Lincoln! and happy three day weekend!

Love,

Amberley

institute choir!

Happy Tuesday!

I've been thinking a lot about Satan lately. And how when I finally owned up to my greatest flaw and actually committed myself 100% to overcoming it, it seemed so much harder to deal with. I was even in an okay place. I'd been better, but I'd been so much worse. But just because I fessed up and quit being in a slight stage of denial, I relapsed.

So here's my conclusion: When we decide to step up our game, so does Satan. If we kick it into high gear, he's right behind us, stepping on the gas. And it royally sucks. I'm trying to be the best person I can be, and he's yanking me back down. My instinct is to blame him, but at the same time, we know that we have no one to blame for our own transgressions than ourselves. We're held accountable for us. But that doesn't inspire me at all. That frustrates me. Because here I am, with a weakness to his tricks, and without him I wouldn't have an issue. It's him that's ruining the plan I had for myself to get back on top of things. So even if this is blaspheme, the only way that I can motivate myself to overcome this is if I blame it on Satan. It really actually is his fault.

So then scriptures last night and today were amazing. 2 Nephi 1-2 were pretty much directed solely at me. And institute was intense. Brother Shenck is always inspiring and teaches me so much, but tonight was crazy. He always ends with a thought, and that's usually when I can feel the spirit the strongest. Tonight he talked about the dangers of the internet. He spoke in really broad terms, and didn't reiterate anything from an old young women's lesson, or a cliche conference talk. But he warned against wasting time on facebook. And he warned, very realistically, about not crossing any lines we shouldn't be crossing. But the way he worded it was immaculate. It was real. It wasn't about the extremes. It was about all of us that are in the middle. Basically, without going into detail, he tied it all back to being worthy to be instruments of the Lord. Brother Shenck also mentioned taking care of stupid, but incredibly hindering, things now, before we attempt a marriage, or a family. It was all amazing, and exactly what I needed to hear. It's really great to know that Heavenly Father knows me, and knows what I want, as well as what I need.

Institute Choir has opened so many doors for me. It's amazing.

Anyway, back to working on IT and this essay. It's due in about 36 hours, and I pretty much have zilch. I think I might actually go to bed, and just get it done tomorrow. I'll finish my outline and stuff, but I'm not sure I can handle much more.

Have a good night. :)

the prospects of a husband look grim.

...so I was thinking today about how all guys really can be considered the same. They aren't created with the innate ability to love and nurture. They just don't, and won't, instinctually care. So maybe when I find a guy that cares about me as much (if not more) as I care about him, he'll be the one. But how will I know? My job is to find the one that is willing resist his instincts and fight for me. I feel like guys cower in the corner when something goes wrong, afraid that we're on the brink of erupting in their faces, unjustified -- because we do! But are we ever going to be on the same page? A woman naturally expects a man to sense her emotions and what has caused them, since females do it every hour. That's a lot of pressure that we're putting on our men. No wonder we scare them away before we can give them a glimpse at an eternity of a marriage. If they can't handle me when my cake doesn't rise, how will they deal with me when my child falls slave to drugs and alcohol? All of these little things offer insights into a bigger picture -- a bigger plan. Is it possible to find someone to set aside all of his selfish desires to comfort my sorrowful heart?

I hope so.

Until then, I'll have to rough it with Ashley.

I'm not complaining. :)

starting over is crap.

sigh. "starting over." it sounds simple doesn't? a common misconception that is glorified in romantic comedies. something goes wrong, the guy sweetly offers to start over, they exchange introductions and other personals, and the relationship starts over. the final song starts (something upbeat and hopeful) and the camera pans across the skyline of manhattan, while taxis zip in and out of intersections until the happy couple is a mere speck. viewers imagine them walking down the block, into the second chance at their relationship. what a lie. in actuality, the term "starting over" might as well be rephrased as "growing apart undramatically." that's what it is, isn't it? the memories and preconceived notions don't go away. you can't banish thoughts from your head by "starting over." human nature is to hold grudges, unfortunately. how about instead of fighting that, we work with it?

things are actually like that jennifer aniston and vince vaughn movie. the break up. people hated that movie. because they saw life for what it was, and i guess we don't want to pay $9.50 to see a movie about real life, huh? they break up. spend time apart. but you know what? that's an extremely happy movie. i would be thrilled if i was either of them, because they actually have a shot at making it work again. only time can heal grudges. if we have time to live life and change as people, then those preconceived notions can be erased. they don't count anymore. i think jennifer aniston was the most realistic and lucky girl. vince loved her. and they had time to figure it out. we all need time. none of this "starting over" in five seconds crap. it will fail.