Day 5 - Jury and Conducting final

Oh hello again.

Day 5: Picture of your morning

This morning was my Jury! I don't really want to talk about it. But at least it's over. For anyone who doesn't know, music majors are required to perform a "jury" at the conclusion of each semester. A panel of professors sit behind a table, and you play a solo piece (usually with piano accompaniment) and they fill out evaluation forms, exchange pleasantries, and usually pass you. It's kind of the culmination of your semester as a music major, and it's a lot easier when it's over. I don't get very nervous for them though. It seems pretty routine.

I also had my conducting final, to which Scott actually said, "you have some natural talent." And if you know Scott, you know that's a mighty big compliment coming from him. So that was surprising. I feel like there is much to be desired when it comes to my conducting skills. I'm not pro by any means. But it went well. I did Irish Tune, by Grainger (which holds a special place in my heart, thanks to Scott McAdow), and Profanation, by Bernstein. :)

Note: I wrote "jury" backwards on that paper so it would show up correctly. Yeah. That's right. I'm a boss. 

Now it's on to studying, and maybe a trip to the temple/Deseret Book. I kind of want to eat at the Lion House too. (I have to hit up Temple Square while I can! I'll miss it when I'm back home!) I have a music history test and a musicianship appointment to study for, as well as a paper to write. Good heavens. Stay tuned for that really great news I mentioned last night.... my fingers are still crossed that it will go through!

Post-meeting debriefing

Not to explain the whole entire story, but I met with my private lessons teacher yesterday afternoon for a good 30-35 minutes, and here are a few of my feelings regarding that meeting.

1. I want to be a music education major. I would have quit after keyboarding 1 if I didn't want to be here. Questioning my motives in a roundabout way is kind of insulting, considering how hard I try, and how much I gave up to come to this university.

2. I am not, nor will I ever be, a grade grubber. The only time that I will publicly question a grade is in a somewhat subjective class, when I want to understand what I can do better the next time. I will voice my opinion when I feel that I have been unjustly graded, but that does not need to result in a change of the grade. It should result in a conversation.

3. Yes, I am the student, and the teacher is the teacher. But when a student comes to you hurting, stressed, and frustrated, shouldn't that be a signal that something isn't working? When I'm a teacher, I don't think that I'll just reiterate my roles as a teacher and go on about my business when a student comes to me. After all, I am a human being.

4. The hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that it feels like my teacher put me on the spot yesterday and ultimately asked me if I was going to remain a music major because I am "stuck with them for my private lessons requirement" and will not graduate without that. That truly hurts me the most, because with that, I feel like my teacher was insinuating that I would give up what I have been working towards and what I have committed my life to because of one teacher that I do not get along with. It really offends me that he would think I'm the kind of person that would just give up and quit. If he doesn't know that that is not who I am, then what else does he not know? and what else does he think about me?

In trying to be an adult, I think I made things worse for myself.
Ridiculous.

Expectations

As an instrumental education major, there are a lot of people and aspects of my life pulling me in completely different directions. On one hand, I need to master my craft (French horn) and on another, I want to develop the skills that will be necessary to have under my belt as a band director. As of late, this natural conflict has been killing me.

I'm really unhappy with my private lessons. I feel like I try as hard as possible... given my current circumstances. If you know me, you'll probably agree that I'm not one to make excuses. Maybe to myself, inside my head, I complain. a ton. But the Amberley that you all see and interact with? I suck it up and make it happen. When I fail, I wholeheartedly believe that it is indeed MY fault. I am spread so thin, by choice, between all my ensembles, marching band, leadership positions and responsibilities, classes, skills that I'm nowhere near close to mastering, friendships to maintain, connections to make...the list goes on. In short, I have a massive list of expectations to meet. Most of those are non negotiable. The expectations of private lessons, however, should be somewhat negotiable.

And they are. Or they're about to be. What I need from lessons is a teacher who understands that my priority is not to be the best horn player in the world, country, western region, or even Utah. I do have that potential, which my teacher has acknowledged, but I do not, however have the ability at this point in time. I would be crazy to say that I don't WANT to be the best horn player I can be, but that is just not my priority. I have a longer list of things that I have, to be frank, placed at a higher rank than my personal success on horn.

I understand that all my teacher sees is my half-hour-a-week lesson. Not my abilities as a section leader, or even a section member. Not my dedication to learning the piano, my determination in sight singing, or my frustrations in conducting. I know how I conduct myself in class and that I never give up or take average as good enough. He does not, and has expressed to me before that he can let me focus on my music education degree and expect very little of me. Again, if you know me, you know that I have never been in a private study, or even an ensemble situation, in my almost 10 years in music. I would never stand for that. The problem lies in finding the middle. There has to be some middle ground between letting me get away with murder and demanding more than I have to give.

Obviously, these feelings need to be expressed - and they will be. Before that happens, I need to identify the basis of my feelings, and pray that I'll be able to control myself and not let my emotions get the best of me. 23.5 credit hours or not, I want to be the best band director that I can be. That is my priority.

I don't think anyone can blame me for that.