Expectations

As an instrumental education major, there are a lot of people and aspects of my life pulling me in completely different directions. On one hand, I need to master my craft (French horn) and on another, I want to develop the skills that will be necessary to have under my belt as a band director. As of late, this natural conflict has been killing me.

I'm really unhappy with my private lessons. I feel like I try as hard as possible... given my current circumstances. If you know me, you'll probably agree that I'm not one to make excuses. Maybe to myself, inside my head, I complain. a ton. But the Amberley that you all see and interact with? I suck it up and make it happen. When I fail, I wholeheartedly believe that it is indeed MY fault. I am spread so thin, by choice, between all my ensembles, marching band, leadership positions and responsibilities, classes, skills that I'm nowhere near close to mastering, friendships to maintain, connections to make...the list goes on. In short, I have a massive list of expectations to meet. Most of those are non negotiable. The expectations of private lessons, however, should be somewhat negotiable.

And they are. Or they're about to be. What I need from lessons is a teacher who understands that my priority is not to be the best horn player in the world, country, western region, or even Utah. I do have that potential, which my teacher has acknowledged, but I do not, however have the ability at this point in time. I would be crazy to say that I don't WANT to be the best horn player I can be, but that is just not my priority. I have a longer list of things that I have, to be frank, placed at a higher rank than my personal success on horn.

I understand that all my teacher sees is my half-hour-a-week lesson. Not my abilities as a section leader, or even a section member. Not my dedication to learning the piano, my determination in sight singing, or my frustrations in conducting. I know how I conduct myself in class and that I never give up or take average as good enough. He does not, and has expressed to me before that he can let me focus on my music education degree and expect very little of me. Again, if you know me, you know that I have never been in a private study, or even an ensemble situation, in my almost 10 years in music. I would never stand for that. The problem lies in finding the middle. There has to be some middle ground between letting me get away with murder and demanding more than I have to give.

Obviously, these feelings need to be expressed - and they will be. Before that happens, I need to identify the basis of my feelings, and pray that I'll be able to control myself and not let my emotions get the best of me. 23.5 credit hours or not, I want to be the best band director that I can be. That is my priority.

I don't think anyone can blame me for that.