complications

Before today, I've been wanting to jot down some feelings I've had - these feelings were along the lines of "ditched," "played," and "belittled." However, now some things have changed. 

Let's call him "Matt." Matt and I have a history, spanning almost a tenth of my life. The situation itself is complicated beyond comprehension, but one thing has always been certain: we have a legitimate infatuation with one another. While I have learned to cope with our complications (from Utah), this summer poses other issues. At the moment, Matt and I aren't exactly conventional in our approach to our relationship, and my issue is this: Where is it going?

In reality, it has very few options of places to go. But my feelings on the matter are pretty black and white. I either want to pursue our relationship on a more serious level, or end it. And by "serious," I mean that I want to be courted, and get to know each other on a personal level. My logistical issues can't permit me to consider Matt as a serious, marriage prospect. I just mean it in the emotional-connection sense.

There is only thing of which I am unsure: I think I like him? At first, I suspect that a lot of the appeal was in the excitement of it all. But on second thought, my feelings for Matt have been taking root since long before we ever admitted anything. Those feelings couldn't just disappear after anything legitimately happened. My conclusion is that my move to Utah and everything forced me to distance myself from Matt, and now I can't exactly justify a relationship with him, because I know it's highly unpractical. The solution that I came up with is to essentially work backwards, attempting to rebuild our relationship from the ground up. This seems like the right thing to do, as it would lead to a better friendship and understanding of one another - and since that's all that will probably happen between us, long term, this summer seems like the perfect opportunity to secure myself a life-long friend.

Of course, the ironic thing is that after building our relationship from the ground up, my feelings will probably be reconfirmed, just as I'm due back in Utah. 

I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it.