valentine's day

Yesterday was pretty epically awful.

1. I stayed up wednesday night until 4:30 writing my IT essay.

2. My alarm clock didn't go off for whatever stupid reason. I double checked it, and it was set. fail.

3. so I woke up at at 8:25 for my 8:35 keyboarding test.

4. on top of that, I looked outside my window and everything was covered in snow. for the first time in two weeks.

5. I hurried and got all my stuff together, didn't take my first shower in 4 days (as I had planned), and ventured out to hopefully grab a shuttle.

6. I ended up falling in the snow. Like a beached whale. I wish I had a picture of it, actually, just to see how pathetic and helpless I looked. cars were driving by, and I'm sure thinking "aw. that poor girl just wiped out." All I remember is my lungs collapsing. and starting at snow-covered concrete.

7. My pants were soaking wet.

When did my day finally get better, you ask? I discovered a property of snow. When you make a ball, and roll it, there's a "snowball effect!" Call me retarded, but I totally thought that only happened in cartoons -- when the characters get in a fight, and start rolling down the hill, the snow collects and pretty soon, they're engulfed

in a massive snowball. Well, I did that. My result was Earl:

He was amazing. Until he died. Apparently, someone murdered him. Thanks, college kids. Maybe we should all un-grow up, and appreciate the friendly face of a snowman at the shuttle stop. kthanks.

Anyway. Valentine's day. How retarded, right? Even for the one valentine's day where I had a legitimate valentine was retarded. I promise I'll only rant once. Last night I watched 500 Days of Summer -- it pretty much told the story of my life. or at least my life from the last couple months. You need to see it if you've ever been in a casual relationship, and you're the one without apprehensions of commitment. It was the perfect valentine's day movie. It didn't have a super happy, romantic comedy ending. But it was the best. I'm just really fed up with valentine's day, I think. I miss when the most stressful part of valentine's day was deciding which valentines you would buy for your class. (I got toy story ones this year.) I remember that I couldn't wait to grow up and have a boyfriend with a drivers license that would give me a flower. and tell me he liked my hair. What a waste of time. I would give anything to go back to third, fourth, and fifth grade, where my hugest love concern was wishing Jordan Crabb would appreciate my valentine. When we're young, it's a luxury to have a valentine. If you have one, it's cute. When we're grown ups, it's a pain to have a valentine. Guys actually have to worry that their girl won't like it. (Don't even get me started. How dare a girl not appreciate a gift. And be concerned if it's not the right perfume. Or the wrong color. Maybe if girls made it clear that hugs are awesome presents, we could get more of them.) Also, valentine's day seems to shift - the focus is on the people that don't have significant other, rather than those who do. We always feel like crap when we don't have one. I just wish that valentine's day didn't exist. Save displays of affection for anniversaries. Then no one has to share the shame. If you're in a relationship, you have an anniversary -- good for you. But you're all alone, you don't have to worry about it. Perfect solution, don't you think?

Oh well. Happy weekend. the olympics start tonight. I'm so freaking excited. I live for this stuff. I probably inherited that from my mother. I actually inherited a lot from my mother. (Like the nightmare I had last night about the world ending. But my main concern wasn't about the grand canyon opening up and sucking utah into it. I was worried about Snuffy and Lester, because my roommate had snatched me away to evacuate before I could grab them. That's totally something my mother would worry about.) Anyway, happy friday! and happy birthday, Abraham Lincoln! and happy three day weekend!

Love,

Amberley

institute choir!

Happy Tuesday!

I've been thinking a lot about Satan lately. And how when I finally owned up to my greatest flaw and actually committed myself 100% to overcoming it, it seemed so much harder to deal with. I was even in an okay place. I'd been better, but I'd been so much worse. But just because I fessed up and quit being in a slight stage of denial, I relapsed.

So here's my conclusion: When we decide to step up our game, so does Satan. If we kick it into high gear, he's right behind us, stepping on the gas. And it royally sucks. I'm trying to be the best person I can be, and he's yanking me back down. My instinct is to blame him, but at the same time, we know that we have no one to blame for our own transgressions than ourselves. We're held accountable for us. But that doesn't inspire me at all. That frustrates me. Because here I am, with a weakness to his tricks, and without him I wouldn't have an issue. It's him that's ruining the plan I had for myself to get back on top of things. So even if this is blaspheme, the only way that I can motivate myself to overcome this is if I blame it on Satan. It really actually is his fault.

So then scriptures last night and today were amazing. 2 Nephi 1-2 were pretty much directed solely at me. And institute was intense. Brother Shenck is always inspiring and teaches me so much, but tonight was crazy. He always ends with a thought, and that's usually when I can feel the spirit the strongest. Tonight he talked about the dangers of the internet. He spoke in really broad terms, and didn't reiterate anything from an old young women's lesson, or a cliche conference talk. But he warned against wasting time on facebook. And he warned, very realistically, about not crossing any lines we shouldn't be crossing. But the way he worded it was immaculate. It was real. It wasn't about the extremes. It was about all of us that are in the middle. Basically, without going into detail, he tied it all back to being worthy to be instruments of the Lord. Brother Shenck also mentioned taking care of stupid, but incredibly hindering, things now, before we attempt a marriage, or a family. It was all amazing, and exactly what I needed to hear. It's really great to know that Heavenly Father knows me, and knows what I want, as well as what I need.

Institute Choir has opened so many doors for me. It's amazing.

Anyway, back to working on IT and this essay. It's due in about 36 hours, and I pretty much have zilch. I think I might actually go to bed, and just get it done tomorrow. I'll finish my outline and stuff, but I'm not sure I can handle much more.

Have a good night. :)

the prospects of a husband look grim.

...so I was thinking today about how all guys really can be considered the same. They aren't created with the innate ability to love and nurture. They just don't, and won't, instinctually care. So maybe when I find a guy that cares about me as much (if not more) as I care about him, he'll be the one. But how will I know? My job is to find the one that is willing resist his instincts and fight for me. I feel like guys cower in the corner when something goes wrong, afraid that we're on the brink of erupting in their faces, unjustified -- because we do! But are we ever going to be on the same page? A woman naturally expects a man to sense her emotions and what has caused them, since females do it every hour. That's a lot of pressure that we're putting on our men. No wonder we scare them away before we can give them a glimpse at an eternity of a marriage. If they can't handle me when my cake doesn't rise, how will they deal with me when my child falls slave to drugs and alcohol? All of these little things offer insights into a bigger picture -- a bigger plan. Is it possible to find someone to set aside all of his selfish desires to comfort my sorrowful heart?

I hope so.

Until then, I'll have to rough it with Ashley.

I'm not complaining. :)

starting over is crap.

sigh. "starting over." it sounds simple doesn't? a common misconception that is glorified in romantic comedies. something goes wrong, the guy sweetly offers to start over, they exchange introductions and other personals, and the relationship starts over. the final song starts (something upbeat and hopeful) and the camera pans across the skyline of manhattan, while taxis zip in and out of intersections until the happy couple is a mere speck. viewers imagine them walking down the block, into the second chance at their relationship. what a lie. in actuality, the term "starting over" might as well be rephrased as "growing apart undramatically." that's what it is, isn't it? the memories and preconceived notions don't go away. you can't banish thoughts from your head by "starting over." human nature is to hold grudges, unfortunately. how about instead of fighting that, we work with it?

things are actually like that jennifer aniston and vince vaughn movie. the break up. people hated that movie. because they saw life for what it was, and i guess we don't want to pay $9.50 to see a movie about real life, huh? they break up. spend time apart. but you know what? that's an extremely happy movie. i would be thrilled if i was either of them, because they actually have a shot at making it work again. only time can heal grudges. if we have time to live life and change as people, then those preconceived notions can be erased. they don't count anymore. i think jennifer aniston was the most realistic and lucky girl. vince loved her. and they had time to figure it out. we all need time. none of this "starting over" in five seconds crap. it will fail.